My Children

My days off revolve around my children. I wouldn't have it any other way. From the time I wake up to the moment  I lay down at night, almost everything I do or think about in some way has to do with each of them.

Today was no different. I woke up to get the boys off to school, then I helped Lily and Makenzie with breakfast. After a morning of cleaning up after child-made messes, I headed off to pick up Gideon and then over to cheer on Steele during his fun-run. Now that was a proud mommy moment. Steele didn't know I was coming, so often I can't, but today I made the effort to go and the look on his face was priceless when he saw me, it almost made me cry cause he was so happy we had all come. Perhaps our presence helped push him, because he ran 3 miles today. After his fun run I had an hour to kill with the little ones so we grabbed a sandwhich before driving back to get Steele.

Once home, we rode bikes, washed dirty clothes, took naps, played a few games and then waited for Daddy (their favorite time of day). Sweet Wes made dinner today, I was so tired, and making dinner is better than bringing home flowers. After dinner we loaded up and went to the Phoenix Children's Museum. This was the best part of my day. I know I am not a perfect mom, but I feel pretty special when each of my kids ask me to play with them. When Steele looked up at me tonight and said,
"Mom can you play with me?" or when Makenzie grabbed my finger to have me follow her, or when Gideon and Lily wanted me to join their fun, that's when I know I have done something right because they still want me around. :)

Tonight as I tucked each of them in their beds I silently prayed that I can be the kind of mom they will always want to be around, the friend they can confide in, the person who will keep them safe. They are my joy, I think about them, speak about them, worry about them, write about them, love them. How grateful I am for each one of them.

Thursday Highlights

I thought I would share a few highlights from my day today.

• When I dropped the kids off at Wes's moms, I was informed that I needed to get Makenzie's baby. Why? Because Makenzie spent the afternoon yesterday trying to find it by continually dumping out the diaper bag. Her strong personality continues to surprise me!
• I was told by an nurse practitioner that she was impressed about the decisions I had made regarding a pt and that she was pleasantly surprised about how well the pt was doing.
• My director of nursing complimented me by saying I was an exceptional case manager.
• Went to Steele's "Cottage Fair" at Eduprize all about dinasours, he was so proud of his board and told me he thought his was the "best". He has so much confidence, it makes me smile.
• Gideon had a fun run and ran 35 (short) laps. He id an amazing little athlete.
• Lily wore her monkey beanie to bed tonight. She always makes me laugh with her sense of style and her sassy attitude.
• Makenzie somehow snuck outside while I was taking the trash barrell out. I never saw her and closed the door after coming inside. Two kind ladies rang to doorbell soon after to tell us she was outside. My heart sank at the thought that it could have been so much worse and I have been saying silent prayers of gratitude all night long.
• Following Makenzie's scare, I snuggled with her and Lily and pondered my blessings and wondered about all the times to Lord has blessed and answered my prayers. I know that He watches over me and my family continually.
• I ran on the treadmill to relieve some of the days stress.

Today was particularly hard for some reason. Stressful and hard moments were common in my day. However, as I sat down to think about what happened today, I realized that although there were many moments I could complain about, there were just as many that were positive. How grateful I am for all my blessing great or small, and how grateful I am for trials that help me to see my blessings. May tomorrow be another day full of both (but preferrably more blessings). :)

Remember the Men

Last month I posted about the lesson I gave in Relief Society called Like a Broken Vessel. That Sunday lesson was one of my favorites. I was amazed at the comments the women offered and the Spirit in the room was unmistakable. In the end I think we all left feeling more united as women and with a vow in our hearts to not judge one another.

Tonight, however, I think I might have missed a vital part. We talked at length that Sunday about not judging each other, about serving our fellow sisters and showing love and compassion towards them, but we didn't talk about the brethren. My mind was opened tonight as I listened to President Uchtdorf's talk, You Can Do It Now!  In his talk at the Priesthood session of General Conference, he says, "We may think that women are more likely than men to have feelings of inadequacy and disappointment—that these feelings affect them more than us. I’m not sure that this is true. Men experience feelings of guilt, depression, and failure. We might pretend these feelings don’t bother us, but they do. We can feel so burdened by our failures and shortcomings that we begin to think we will never be able to succeed."

As he said this, I realized I need to remember that although I struggle at times with my emotions, the men around me, including my husband, may struggle with some of the same things. I'm so blessed to have a husband who loves and uplifts me, one who helps me in times of "inadequacies" or "depression". What do I do for him? I know I should do the same. Yet, I think frequently we as women forget that the men in our lives need the same support they give us.

So, once again I plan on improving who I am and in this case how I treat my husband. I know I am not perfect, and although the road to perfection is long, the journey is often half the fun. After all, we may not be perfect and we may fall at times, but as President Uchtdorf said, "our destiny is not determined by the number of times we stumble, but by the number of times we rise up, dust ourselves off, and move forward."

May we stay focused, strive for perfection, rise up when we fall, and may we remember the men in our lives, for we need eachother on this wonderful journey! 

The Example of Bees

Tonight we had an excellent Relief Society meeting with the sisters in my ward. March is the month we celebrate the "birthday" of Relief Society and for tonights "birthday party" they focused it around the talk given by Elder M. Russell Ballard called Be Anxiously Engaged, in which he relates bees to members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

Elder Holland first gives some interesting facts about bees and honey-

1) Honey is one of nature’s most beneficial foods. In fact, nutritionists tell us it is one of the foods that includes all the substances—enzymes, vitamins, minerals, and water—necessary to sustain life.

2) A colony consists of approximately 60,000 bees.

3) Honeybees are driven to pollinate, gather nectar, and condense the nectar into honey. It is their magnificent obsession imprinted into their genetic makeup by our Creator. It is estimated that to produce just one pound (0.45 kg) of honey, the average hive of 20,000 to 60,000 bees must collectively visit millions of flowers and travel the equivalent of two times around the world.

4) Over its short lifetime of just a few weeks to four months, a single honeybee’s contribution of honey to its hive is a mere one-twelfth of one teaspoon. Though seemingly insignificant when compared to the total, each bee’s one-twelfth of a teaspoon of honey is vital to the life of the hive.

Elder Holland than relates how we can be like these driven and dedicated little bees. The following are quotes from his talk and they correlate with the numbers above.

1) Just as "honey contains all of the substances necessary to sustain mortal life...the doctrine and gospel of Christ is the only way (for man) to obtain eternal life."

2) Today we have over 15,000,000 members worldwide.

3) Just as bees are driven to pollinate and contribute to their ultimate cause of making honey, so should we be driven to our "ultimate" cause of bringing souls unto Christ.  "Great things are brought about and burdens are lightened through the efforts of many hands “anxiously engaged in a good cause” (D&C 58:27). Imagine what the millions of Latter-day Saints could accomplish in the world if we functioned like a beehive in our focused, concentrated commitment to the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ. Imagine what good we can do in the world if we all join together, united as followers of Christ, anxiously and busily responding to the needs of others and serving those around us—our families, our friends, our neighbors, our fellow citizens."

4) "We read of the service Church members provide around the world and especially the humanitarian service given in times of crisis—fires and floods and hurricanes and tornadoes. These much-needed and much-appreciated emergency responses should certainly continue as a way of bearing one another’s burdens. But what about our everyday lives? What would be the cumulative effect of millions of small, compassionate acts performed daily by us because of our heartfelt Christian love for others? ...These simple, daily acts of service may not seem like much in and of themselves, but when considered collectively they become just like the one-twelfth teaspoon of honey contributed by a single bee to the hive." He also says, "like the little honeybee’s one-twelfth teaspoon of honey provided to the hive, if we multiply our efforts by tens of thousands, even millions of prayerful efforts to share God’s love for His children through Christian service, there will be a compounding effect of good that will bring the Light of Christ to this ever-darkening world."

Elder Holland promises us that if we pray every morning and "ask Heavenly Father to guide you to recognize an opportunity to serve one of His precious children...your spiritual sensitivities will be enlarged and you will discover opportunities to serve that you never before realized were possible."

Just as the honeybees focus on the flowers, we need to focus on the people around us and how we can serve them. I'm looking forward to serving more, knowing that as I do this I will feel closer to the Lord.

To read more from this wonderful talk click on the following link. Enjoy!  Be Anxiously Engaged

Relationships

Tonight we had dinner and FHE with some good friends of from our ward. I always love getting together with people, but tonight was especially nice. Sometimes conversation seems strained and the lulls in exchanges awkward, but it never seems to be that way with them. We enjoyed talking about politics, religion, family, vacations, school, work, you name it and we talked about it. Time went very quickly and I kind of hated to get back to reality.

It's also nice that our children get along so well, they have 2 adorable children, one of which is quite taken with Lily and tried to kiss her. Lily just giggled and egged him on like any girl would do (I suppose she takes after her mom), which led to a little conversation about not kissing boys, who knew I'd have to start so young. Either way, it was sweet watching the kids play together and laugh.

I'm so thankful that we are given relationships all throughout our lives. I believe relationships of all kinds (even those that are difficult) are for our benefit. We grow, we learn, we begin to understand people, we find peace, we find laughter and we find joy when we spend our time with others. How grateful I am for a Heavenly Father who has given me so much, including the opportunity to develop wonderful relationships with all kinds of people.

Stop It

This is an excellent video and although it portrays teenagers, I believe it applies to all of us. May we end the judgements and see eachother as brothers and sisters, all one family, all CHILDREN OF GOD.

http://www.mormonchannel.org/video/mormon-messages?v=3267475157001&cid=HPWE030514340&im=true

4 Baby Stories- PART 1

This post is the work of many nights. I have been wanting to journal the birth stories of each of my children for years, yet I have always put it off because I knew the time to write it all out would be tremendous. However, a few days ago I realized that I don't have to write it all at once, if I write a little every night eventually I will have each of their stories completed. So here it is, the first part of my birth series.

Matthew Steele Filhart born May 12, 2006 at 01:36pm.

Let's start at week 38. On this week I woke up early and went to my weekly appointment. While discussing the fact that I was not dilated whatsoever, my doctor asked me if I was interested in being induced. He explained that he would be out of town for his son's wedding the week I was due and this would make it so that he would be there for my baby's birth. Of course as a first time expectant mom, and one who had not taken a birthing class, nor did I have much experience in the labor and delivery arena, I gave a very enthusiastic, "YES!" So my induction was scheduled for the following Thursday.

Thursday morning. I woke up excited, by the end of the day I would be a mom, or so I thought. I was scheduled for 1100 and was to call 1 hour ahead to make sure there was a room available. Since I had time I went and got my hair done, painted my toenails, packed a bag and waited for 1000 to roll around. At 1000 I called and got the bad news, no bed available, call back at 1500. Called at 1500, no bed available, they would call me if something became available, but I should probably count on a Friday induction. So Wes and I went out, ate Chinese, and enjoyed our last night as a family of 2. Then at about 1900 I recieved a call from Banner Mesa that there was a bed available and to come on down.

We arrived at the hospital in record time, paperwork was filled out, I was wheeled back to a room, IV was placed, they checked my cervix (0.5cm dilated and less than 50% effaced), pitocin was hung and the fun started....or so I thought. At the time all I knew about pitocin was that it induced labor. Now after 4 children and nursing school I know so much more. 1) It makes my contractions 10x worse than normal contractions. 2) In a case like mine when I was only 0.5cm dilated, being induced with pitocin will make it difficult to deliver without an epidural and it will wear you out by the time you actually start pushing. 3) Although necessary at times (I HAD to have it with 2 of my babies), it is also dangerous. I realize now that with Steele it would have been better to wait a few extra weeks than to add an unnecessary danger to my baby. I know many people who have been induced in situations like mine and they prefer it, however, it was not ideal for me.

At first time passed somewhat quickly, Wes and I played card games and watched TV, but then around 0100 Wes fell asleep. I tried to sleep, but it was fitful because the pitocin was already causing uncomforable contrations. Just after 0300 I woke up and was laying in a pool of fluid. My first thought, I peed the bed, I was so embarressed, but I pressed the call light anyway. When the RN arrived I explained my dilemma and she informed me it wasn't urine, it was amniotic fluid. My water had broken. "Yay!" I thought, I'm progressing quickly. Not really. Turns out, I was only 3cm dilated. This is when the real pain started. For the next 3 hours I tried to "breath" through contractions, but they were long and very close together. I basically stayed in fetal position while sitting up the whole time. By 0600 I knew I had to be getting closer, the contractions were so strong and they had increased the pitocin a lot! The outgoing RN checked me one more time, 4cm. Serious? She asked me, do you want an epidural? And at this point I was in too much pain and too exhausted to say no. Not long after that, they were wheeling in the anithesiologist cart and prepping me for a needle to go in my spine.

The epidural. I'm not scared of needles, and honestly I wasn't worried about getting an epidural, but I will say this, you HAVE to have a good doctor and this doctor was not in that catagory. The first time the anesthesiologist instered the catheter he said, "if it feels like it's going off to the left or right let me know." Sure enought it did and I told him so. He pulled it back and tried again, same thing. This time he told me I was probably just "feeling it". Nope. Cause a few hours later I was still able to move my lower body, however, it did take the edge off the contractions which was nice.

 

After the epidural I was able to sleep off and on until around 11 am when I started to feel some pressure. I let the nurse know and she informed me I was getting close but not ready to push. Mom, my Sister Sarah, Sarah Engberg (a close friend) and of course Wes kept me company, at least they did when they weren't down stairs playing games. :) By 12:30pm the nurse checked me again and said it I was at 10cm. She notified Dr. Huish, gave me some tips and prepped me to start pushing. I was excited, little did I know the worse was yet to come. Pushing is hard, even harder when you can't feel everything and are not in control and even harder still when your epidural doesn't work correctly and you feel pain in certain areas of your body and not others. The first few pushes went smoothly with absolutely no progress. After about 30 minutes I was starting to lose my gumption and frustration began to set in. I remember looking at Dr. Huish, who sat so comfortably in a chair talking to my mom, and saying to him, "so when you finally stand up and start helping I'll know I'm getting closer, right?" Not long after that I started to feel light headed. The staff decided to apply some oxygen via face mask which made me claustrophobic and did little to help my irritation. I was really struggling to focus. To make matters worse, the hospital had just switched to computer monitoring and there was a delay in showing oncoming contractions. If I hadn't had an epidural this wouldn't have been a big deal, but because I couldn't feel everything I couldn't quite tell when I should start pushing. After 45 minutes of this my patience was worn and my drive was gone.

About 15 minutes before Steele entered the world, I remember thinking, "If this baby doesn't come out soon, I don't think I'll have the strength to push him out and they will have to do a c-section." I don't know if Dr. Huish is telepathic or if he simply saw my anguish, because immediately following this thought he asked, "would you like some help?" Maybe it was God's way of prepping me for something I didn't want to do, but was necessary. Either way, I said yes and Dr. Huish assisted me in bringing Steele into the world via vacuum. For days afterwards I remember feeling bad, thinking I was weak and wishing I could go back and change his birth. Now, after 4 deliveries, I know I'm not weak and I truly feel that his delivery prepared me for every other delivery after him.

The first moments- Steele was a handsome, some-what alien looking baby, and I loved him at first sight. Wes was a proud Daddy and I felt closer to him at that moment than almost any other I can remember. He weighed 7lbs 10 ounces and was 20.5 inches long with a big head measuring over 14 inches. You know, there are a million feelings that rush through a mom following a birth, I mostly remember feeling grateful to hold my baby in my arms. To this day I love to gather Steele in my arms and just hold him, it's when I feel the closest to him spiritually. How grateful I am that this strong, confident young boy came to our family and introduced me to the role of "Mom".