Faith

I read Elder Nelson's talk last night for my scripture study, it's called Let Your Faith Show. I remember hearing parts of it in the midst of crying kids, but there was so much I missed and it is such an amazing talk. I think it especially hit home last night because it talked about "faith being the antidote to fear". My Dad used to tell me that faith and fear cannot abide together. I thought this applied to moments of life-threatening type fear, but not until recently did I think about how this applies to me right now.

One thing you must know about me is that I am an indecisive person. I become anxious over even small choices, it has gotten better over the years as I have grown into my own skin and have gained some confidence. But, when it comes to big decisions I stress and become worried and fearful I will make the wrong choice.

Last month I was offered a promotion at my job. It came right after Wes and I held a fast that he could get a new job that would better support our family. I have turned down 2 other promotions because I wanted to put family first, and thought I'd turn this one down too, but I decided to pray about it first. After many many weeks of praying, studying, pondering and praying some more, I received no answer, or at least that is what I thought. Lately most of the time when I pray for things I'm devoid of any feeling. It's felt kind of aweful, kind of lonely, and somewhat depressing. I have had plenty of spiritual experiences especially when it comes to studying about Christ and His atonement, but when I try to seek for answers, I feel...well I feel nothing really.

So today, as I pondered this talk and spoke with my wise sister Sarah about these feelings. I realized that perhaps Heavenly Father isn't answering my prayers with a "yes" or "no" because he is expecting me to utilize my faith, stomp out my fear, and make a choice on my own. Perhaps that is my answer. Maybe He is making me dig a little deeper. I know I have definitely studied more than ever lately in hopes to receive answers. Here is what I also know- I know that as I do what is right, as I try hard to make a good decision, He won't let me fail. Perhaps I will make a choice that will be hard and bring a little sorrow, but I know that even in my trials I can grow and He will be there for me, always guiding me.

At the end of Elder Nelson's talk he quotes President Monson who states, "Of course we will face fear... Remember that all men have their fears, but those who face their fears with [faith] have courage as well.” What is courage? It is "the ability to do something that frightens one".

It's time for me to put my fears aside and make a decision. I need to have faith in Christ and with that faith will come courage. I can do this. I can grow. I can become the person my Heavenly Father sees in me. I know He is there, even when it's quiet and there seems to be no answers, for He is always there and always will be. For this knowledge I will be eternally grateful.