March Monday

It's Monday, it's the last day of March, those 2 things alone provided a very full day.

It began by volunteering in Gideon's classroom. We had to do a "lockdown drill". It was sad to me to see all those small kindergarten children sitting on the floor in the dark room having to be quiet while we pretended someone with a gun had gotten into the building. What has this world come to? :( Thankfully most of the kids didn't realize what we were really practicing for, it was more fun for them.

Following volunteering I went to work, visited 4 patients, and was grateful for the sweet spirit these patients have, it gives me strength every day I am with them.

From work I was off to Costco to buy cake, pizza, and flowers for a fellow ward member's birthday party, then off to the dollar store to get vases and cards so that I could drop off flowers and a card to the ladies I visit teach. Once I got home it was arranging and preparing for the party while I was on the phone calling in medications and supplies for the patients I visited today. Friends began to arrive, the birthday girl and her family arrived, we ate, we sang happy birthday, we laughed and we called it a night.

Following the party I dropped flowers and cards off to the 3 sisters I visit, plus one more bunch of flowers and a card to a sister that is struggling and who I love dearly. Then over to give cake to a favorite family in our ward and home to read scriptures and pray with the kids (who Wes so kindly prepared for bed). After the bedtime routine it was cleaning up, documenting, exercising and now writing in my journal.

The last thing I plan to do tonight is take a quick shower and pray that tomorrow can only be so good, even if it means being just as busy.

Good night blogger world!

Eagle Project for a Cell Phone

Steele asked for a cell phone today. WHAT?!? I am not ready to start fending off the cell phone requests. I know a lot of children have them, but I feel it's not necssary in our case. Steele is either with family, close friends or at school. In any of those situations he can call me without the need of a cell phone. As Steele was going on about how he wanted a cell phone and felt he was responsible enough to have one and how all of his friends have one, I decided to make a deal with him. I told him that before he gets a cell phone he has to get his Eagle from Boy Scouts. I remember all of my brothers having to complete their Eagles before getting their drivers license and since cell phones are now more popular than driving for teens this may just be a great goal for him. I guess now whenever he asks me for a cell phone I don't have to dread it so much because it will be a great opportunity to remind him about what he needs to accomplish first.

Random Thoughts

A few things from today....

I cleaned the house like crazy and am laying on clean sheets as I write this, feels so good!

Wes, Steele and Gideon went fishing. They spent the majority of the day preparing for it, then spent a few hours getting there, fished for 3 hours, then traveled home. Number of fish caught? 0

Sarah and I spent 2 and a half hours in Hobby Lobby. I have never done that before. It was awesome!!! I bought a bunch of paper to modge podge a cabinet, I'm excited to see the final product.

Watched the General Women's Conference with my Mom and Sarah, the Spirit was strong, how grateful I am for wonderful leaders.

Lily and I watched Frozen together, it was my first time watching it, very cute, but I'm not convinced it was worth all the fuss. I do like the music though.

Tonight my Mom told me she caught Lily teaching her cousin Wyndell about "choosing the right" and "keeping the commandments", at least one child is paying attention to my lectures.

Spent time with my family, I love them and I'm glad I have the opportunity live with them for eternity.

Desires and Appetites

Recently I've heard someone say, "Why should I control my desires? It's a natural urge and nothing to feel guilty about". This question was not directed towards me, but it made be think about how I might answer it. Tonight I found that answer in the talk Decisions for Eternity. In regards to controlling our desires/appetites Elder Nelson states, "A pivotal spiritual attribute is that of self-mastery—the strength to place reason over appetite. Self-mastery builds a strong conscience. And your conscience determines your moral responses in difficult, tempting, and trying situations...When we master our appetites within the bounds of God’s laws, we can enjoy longer life, greater love, and consummate joy."

I will be the first to admit that I am a work in progress and that I am still trying to "master my appetites", but I will also admit that at a young age I was able to control certain desires and I truly believe that because I learned this early on it led me to the point where I am now...and I kind of like this point.

For example, most of my early life I grew up overweight with a great appetite for food, especially junk food (I REALLY liked it!). A lot of the time food was a way to fill time, a comfort and at times the only thing I thought could bring me happiness. By the age of 14 I realized that I was not happy and far from comfortable with the person I had become, so I decided to change things. One of the first steps in this process was to control my appetite for food. It started small (eating a few bites less each meal) and over the years has become part of who I am. I continue to enjoy the things most people enjoy, but for the most part I know when to stop, I can control myself. Because of this control I have been able to find other things that make me happy. I have lost weight, and yes that is beneficial, but more than anything, I have gained a little more confidence in myself and am more comfortable with who I am.

Although this may seem simple to some, and may not be exactly what Elder Nelson is talking about, it is important to me. I believe that because I have chosen to control my appetite with food I will live a longer healthier life and will have much more joy while I live it. Who knows, perhaps this one area of self-mastery in my life has led to many others and I didn't even realize it. I know I have a long ways to go when it comes to "self-mastery", but I will continue to work on keeping my "desires, appetites and passions....within the bounds the Lord has set."

Just for fun, I thought I would share a "before" and an "after" picture. The first was taken when I was 13, right before my brother left on his mission, the second was the end of last year, 2014. Although I may be more confident and comforable, I am grateful for the 13-year-old girl then who has helped me become my 30-year-old self now. :)

Death

People frequently ask me, "how do you do hospice nursing?" or say "that takes a special person to do hospice." I have to admit that I don't really feel like I'm that special, I think I love this job because I know death is not the end for any of us. This quote by Elder Nelson about death sums up my thoughts...

"The aging process is a gift from God, as is death. The eventual death of your mortal body is essential to God’s great plan of happiness. Why? Because death will allow your spirit to return home to Him. From an eternal perspective, death is only premature for those who are not prepared to meet God."

How grateful I am for the knowledge of eternal life, for this knowledge not only makes my job easier, but brings great joy and peace to my life.

Good, Better, Best

Another busy day. Between work, kids homework, dentist appointments, tending kids, cleaning the house, being on-call, trying to exercise (emphasis on trying), scripture study and journal entries, I feel like I'm stretched so thin. The crazy part is, even if I didn't have all of this to do, I would still probably fill my days/hours with other things. I think a lot of women (and men) are the same way and I don't think that it is necessarily a bad thing as long as we are keeping our focus on what is most important.

Elder Oaks gave an excellent talk on this subject in October 2007 called Good, Better, Best. He starts out by saying "Most of us have more things expected of us than we can possibly do. As breadwinners, as parents, as Church workers and members, we face many choices on what we will do with our time and other resources." In the next paragraph he states, "We should begin by recognizing the reality that just because something is good is not a sufficient reason for doing it. The number of good things we can do far exceeds the time available to accomplish them. Some things are better than good, and these are the things that should command priority attention in our lives."

Every time I read this talk I am reminded that although I may fill my life with "good" things, am I really filling it with the "best" things? Probably not. This will most likely be a life long lesson for me as I learn to prioritize the "good, better and best" things, but I'm grateful that each day I can continue to try.

One thing I do know, now that we are nearly half way through this health challenge, I realize it has helped me tremendously in putting scripture study and journaling as a priority. I truly feel that these 2 things have been the "best" things I could have done in my life as I have faced great trials the last few weeks. How grateful I am to my friend for challenging me to do this, who knew it would be such a blessing in my life. May I continue to do good things, with a focus on the "best" things.

Here is the link to the article for those who are interested in reading the entire talk. Good Better Best

And just because I couldn't help it, here are some of the other "best" things in my life. :)

General Women's Conference

I am looking forward to this Saturday when millions of women around the world will have the opportunity to gather together in churches or homes around the world and listen to the teachings of our leaders.

We are blessed to be called women and the following video is a great reminder that we are wonderful just the way we are, Celebrate Sisterhood. For more information on Saturday's broadcast, visit lds.org. :)

Time

I was recently offered a big promotion at work, one that may pay nearly what Wes and I make combined and could eventually lead to bigger things. It is tempting, very tempting, but I constantly have this thought in the back of my mind, "how often do you hear someone at the end of their life say 'I wish I would have worked more'. Not often, in fact I've never heard someone say that, it's usually, 'I wish I would have spent more time with my kids '.

Tonight I found this quote by President Monson, and it puts my thoughts into more detailed words, he states, "Near the end of his life, one father looked back on how he had spent his time on earth. An acclaimed, respected author of numerous scholarly works, he said, ‘I wish I had written one less book and taken my children fishing more often.’ Time passes quickly. Many parents say that it seems like yesterday that their children were born. Now those children are grown, perhaps with children of their own. ‘Where did the years go?’ they ask. We cannot call back time that is past, we cannot stop time that now is, and we cannot experience the future in our present state. Time is a gift, a treasure not to be put aside for the future but to be used wisely in the present.”

I know each person has different circumstances, but the more I think about my own, I can think of 4 beautiful reasons that for the time being I probably shouldn't take the job offer. How grateful I am for the sweet reminders and the great counsel I receive as I study the scriptures and the words of our modern Prophets. Happy Sunday!

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly of Work

I currently work for Homestead Hospice. Prior to doing hospice I worked at Chandler Regional hospital. When I went into nursing I thought I would be in L&D, a dream job, but I started on telemetry and it was difficult. I dreaded most days going into work. Then a fellow co-worker of mine introduced me to the hospice company she was working for and once I started there I thought I found the perfect job for me.

Now almost a year later I realize, that although I love it at hospice, every job has pros and cons. I miss the business of the hospital and the ongoing learning environment, I don't miss the back-breaking days or the constant worry I might lose my license if I made a mistake because there wasn't time to slow down. With hospice I love the flexible hours, the time I can spend with my patients and the pay is nice too. However, the various phone calls that come in almost daily and the on-call weekends are difficult.

Today my work paid for pedicures for the nurses, it reminded me I'm lucky to have a job that recognizes it's employees. I realized afterwards that I need to focus on the good parts of work because if I focus on the bad it will start to make my life miserable. So, until the day I can quit and take on my ultimate "dream" job of being a mom, then I will try to have a more positive attitude.

I'd like to close out my post tonight with this excellent quote by Elder Todd D. Christofferson of the 12 apostles, he states, "By work we sustain and enrich life. It enables us to survive the disappointments and tragedies of the mortal experience. Hard-earned achievement brings a sense of self-worth. Work builds and refines character, creates beauty, and is the instrument of our service to one another and to God. A consecrated life is filled with work, sometimes repetitive, sometimes menial, sometimes unappreciated but always work that improves, orders, sustains, lifts, ministers, aspires.”

Hard Days

I had a hard day today and my feelings are too fresh to write about it in detail. Perhaps I will sit down in the future and write about it, but not tonight. I know hard days will come, this life is not without its trials, but there are lessons to be learned from the trials we face. Today I was faced with one of the scariest moments of my life and as difficult as that moment was, I am so grateful it was not worse and even more grateful for the lessons I learned without having to face tragedy.

The one thing about this day that stands out above everything, was the moment I was laying on the couch staring at the wall and thought to myself, "it would be so easy to fall into a deep depression". This life is tough. I really felt that it would be so much easier just to lay there and wallow in my sorrow. Yet, after a long period of crying and not feeling much of anything I realized that if I didn't get up right then and do something, anything, that darkness I felt was going to overcome me. So I got up. What I did next was so minor, but it was what I needed, I paid some bills. This may not have been a relief to anyone else, but it was for me. I needed some reason to take a step forward and having to pay our housing/medical bills helped me remember that I am needed and what I do is small, but important.

With that being said, my heart still aches and I feel kind of empty tonight, but I felt the love and strength of my Savior as I got up and moved forward. I have had hard days and I know I will have more hard days, but as I have faith and follow the commandments, I will be as Elder Anderson says, "strengthened and spiritually refined."

Elder Anderson's talk "Trial of Your Faith" is excellent and worth the time to read, particularly if you are going through any sort of trial.

Dinner Service

Tonight Wes and I fed 5 households.

It all started when I signed us up to feed the missionaries a few weeks ago. On Sunday Wes came home and told me he offered to help a family in the ward with dinner on Wednesdays because the mom is single and doesn't get home till late. Then on Monday I saw a neighbor of ours whose daughter has been in the hospital for 4 months and asked if we could drop dinner by sometime this week, turns out Wednesday worked out best. And of course, since we had so much food, I couldn't help but to call my mom and ask if we could bring her dinner as well.It was a busy afternoon, food was everywhere and the kitchen was a bit of a mess, but it was fun and Wes enjoyed acting like he was on the Iron Chef.

I know that dinner is a small thing, but I also know that everytime we provide a meal for another family my day is brighter. Even after a day like today where the kids were crazy and Wes and I argued, by the end everything was a little better. Service does wonders to the soul.

I found a quote tonight that I wanted to share that goes along with this post. It puts into one brief paragraph what service means. Derek Cuthbert said, "Service changes people. It refines, purifies, gives a finer perspective, and brings out the best in each one of us. It gets us looking outward instead of inward. It prompts us to consider others’ needs ahead of our own. Righteous service is the expression of true charity, such as the Savior showed."

May we all be changed by service.

Visitor's Center

Yesterday for family home evening Wes and I took the kids to the Visitors Center at the Temple. It's always one of my favorite things to do for family nights because it's so beautiful and peaceful there (except for the occasional screaming child). My kids love it because there are so many different buttons to press and plenty of movies to watch. We spent time looking at the Jerusalem display, the art exhibit and of course the Christus statue.

I thought I'd share a few of my favorite things from our visit last night...

1) I found a plaque with the part of the scripture from 1 Nephi 17:40, it stated, "And he loveth those who will have him to be their God." I've never noticed this verse before and I don't know why, but reading it this time struck me as significant.

2) Wes caught a couple if great pictures. This one in particular warms my heart....


Through the eyes of a child.
 

Here are a few more that I loved. I am so thankful that we can spend time together as a family each Monday night. It is a time for us to grow together, learn together and love together.

I love this family of mine!

 

 

Jerusalem

Feeling the nail prints in His feet.

The Longest Hour

Disclaimer: I love church, I know the gospel is true, and I learn something new nearly each week I attend meetings. It is a blessing that I have the opportunity to and am capable of attending church every week.

Now, with that being said, I have to admit that sometimes the Sacrement hour with 4 small children and husband in the bishopric can be a bit overwhelming, sometimes even torturous, today was one of those days. (Sacrament is our main church meeting where everyone congregates to listen to fellow members teach/talk about Christ, scriptures, prophets, etc.)

I'll back up and explain how my day started. I woke up this morning to my room spinning, I have been getting dizzy off and on for over a month and today it hit hard. Normal people would probably say "I'm going back to bed for the day", but for some reason I always think if I just keep going eventually it will get better...not my best idea today. Trying to battle the dizziness and nagging headache while keeping 4 kids quiet in Sacrament meeting was almost unbearable. I felt like I was losing my mind at times. I'll try to portray the scene...

There we were, Gideon, me, Makenzie, Lily and Steele. Gideon is asking me what page the next hymn is on by saying "is it this one?" over and over and over. Makenzie is screaming everytime a finger even comes with in one foot of her cheerios, and not just the "shh" it's okay scream, it's the I will break windows with my high-pitched voice scream. Lily is whining that she wants a blanket, a doll, or whatever other thing Makenzie pulls out of my diaper bag and Steele is tearing up multiple pieces of paper to make airplanes and who knows what else. Eventually, Makenzie's screaming gets out of control and I have to meet another sister in the foyer so I can watch her baby while she plays a special musical number. (Mind you the 5 minutes in the foyer where quite possibly the most well behaved 5 minutes Makenzie was the entire 3 hours.) Once the musical number is over I attempt to go back and sit with my other 3 children because heaven only knows what they will do without any parent supervision. By the time I sit back down it is now Lily, Makenzie, me, Gideon and Steele and the entertainment has turned to Lily make loud car noises with a neighbor's toy cars, Makenzie climbing up and down off of the bench, me reminding myself "to stay calm, they are only children", and Gideon and Steele playing a loud game of thumb wars. To make it worse, everytime I turn to one child and ask them to be quiet or to sit still the others realize I'm not watching and return to their antics.

It probably seemed a lot worse to me than it really was simply because of the fact that I didn't feel well, but either way, that hour and 10 minutes was pretty rough today. In fact lately that first hour of church is just plain hard. The amazing part is, even with all the craziness around me I somehow always leave feeling uplifted and thankful that I was there. Today was no exception, the talks and testimonies were wonderful and I felt close to the Spirit.

Someday I will look back on these years and smile and reminesce about the "craziness" of it all, but until then forgive me if I complain or if I look overwhelmed. For now, I am trying my hardest to simply make it through each day, or in this case each hour of the day. I know I am blessed, I know I am loved and I know my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ understand me and will provide comfort when needed. How grateful I am for this knowledge, because it makes the hard times (or the long hour) more bearable.

Happy Sunday!

Camping

We went camping this weekend with the ward. Of course the boys always look forward to camping, but it was a little surprising how excited Lily was, she talked about it non-stop for a week. We went to a little spot in Queen Valley on the east side of the Superstition mountains, it was a beautiful spot in the desert.

We arrived just after the sun was setting. We set up our tent and then Wes, and me, but mostly Wes, made this AMAZING dinner complete with lean steak, yellow squash, red potatoes, onion, carrots and celery. Wes loved it, I loved it and the kids loved it! After dinner we had a small devotional. Wes and I stayed up much too late talking with friends, but I have to admit learning about other ward members is always a favorite part of the ward activity for me.

The night was long and very cold, but the kids were champs and slept all through the night, however, Wes and I are getting old and didn't sleep all that well. Breakfast was fabulous and we spent the rest of the trip simply enjoying narture and life.

On the way home we asked the kids what their favorite part of the trip was and these were their responses....

Steele- "hiking around the rocks and playing with the other kids"
Gideon- "putting sticks in the fire and shooting guns"
Lily- "looking for crystal diamond rocks"
Wes- "making and eating dinner"
Me- "snuggling with Wes and Makenzie to stay warm"

It's fun hearing their answers. I love that each one was different because each one gives a little example of that specific person's personality. How grateful I am for my children, husband and ward and I'm looking forward to more fun campouts.

My favorite picture, Steel and Gideon watching the fire together. It's probably the first time this week they were within 10 feet of eachother and not fighting....wish there were more moments like this!

 

Trials and Change

Yesterday I got my feelings hurt. I won't go into details because what happened is not important. What is important is what I learned as I walked with my mom later that night. I was reminded that we can never fully understand why certain people treat us the way they do, perhaps they had a particularly bad day, or maybe something tragic happened. Either way we all have bad days and shouldn't judge others who may be struggling.

The trials we face, even the small ones like hurt feelings, help us to grow and become better. I know that when people treat me badly, after the inital "pity me" feeling, I move on to "I will never treat someone like that" feeling. We have been counseled through scripture that on earth we will endure trials which will help us to learn and become stronger. I know this to be true and will continue to endure to the end...hurt feelings or not. :)

So the above was my post from yesterday that I never pulished because I fell asleep. Now on to todays post....

Today is March 13, 2014. March 13th has a lot of meaning in our family. March 13, 2005- Wes proposed to me. March 13, 2008- my sweet nephew Waylon returned home to his Heavenly Father. March 13, 2012- we received the shocking news that my Dad had cancer.

Although Wes and I recognize this day as special day, many may feel like it also represents a day of sadness and bad memories. However, in my mind this day is not a day of "good" or "bad" it is a day of "change".

Life is all about change. Sometimes change is good, such as a marrirage proposal. Sometimes that change is difficult for us to understand, such as a death of a child. Somtimes we wonder how we can deal with change, especially when it comes in the form of a life-threatening illness. Yet, looking back on each of these situations I feel like I can get a glimpse of what God has planned for us.

From the very beginning humans have dealt with changes, throughout the scriptures we read about change. I.e. Adam and Eve leaving the Garden of Eden, the cleansing of the earth in Noah's time, Moses leading the children of Israel to the promised land, etc. In each of these stories God had a plan for His children. He saw what He needed to do to help them grow and become a stronger more faithful people and frequently it involved a significant amount of change.

We are not exempt from change. Change is good. Even when it is hard, change is often necessary. Just like the examples in the scriptures, change will help us to become stronger, it will help to increase our faith, it will often bring us to our knees and in so doing will draw us closer to our Heavenly Father.

I am so grateful to my family, particularly my sister Sarah and my Mom, who have set a wonderful example to me about how to endure change and become better because of it. I may not always welcome change, but change blesses lives, I know it has blessed mine. May I continue to look for the good in change and use it to become a more positive and faithful child of God.

Quote of the Day

This is a quote one of the brethren shared in fast and testimony meeting last Sunday. It is on repentance and it spoke volumes to my Spirit. I know I am far from perfect and I frequently falter, but I also know that The Lord has atoned for my sins and weaknesses and through him I can be redeemed. 

"The joyful news for anyone who desires to be rid of the consequences of past poor choices is that the Lord sees weaknesses differently than He does rebellion. Whereas the Lord warns that unrepented rebellion will bring punishment, when the Lord speaks of weaknesses, it is always with mercy."

Baptism

Steele is getting baptized in a little more than 2 months. I found this link on lds.org that will help me prepare him for baptism.
Baptism
There are some excellent talks and videos that will help me teach him about the importance of baptism. How grateful I am that he has made his own choice to be baptized. He is maturing and growing into such a wonderful little boy. I love him dearly and always will.

Technology

I'm attempting to post my entry from my phone tonight since it's late and I don't feel like getting out of my bed. It's amazing to me that this generation has so many accessible tools. Some, like the phone I use to write this, as small as my hand. It seems technology is advancing faster than ever. What's even more amazing is the fact that my small children know how to work it all! It will be a blessing and a curse to them in years to come, just like it is for the rest of us. And although technology can be a source of temptation, I am so grateful for it. It is a source for education, it provides entertainment, it makes work easier, but more than anything it has made missionary work practical and far-reaching. There is no doubt in my mind, God foresees and guides all things, including technology.

Good night my technological, blogging world!

My Children

My days off revolve around my children. I wouldn't have it any other way. From the time I wake up to the moment  I lay down at night, almost everything I do or think about in some way has to do with each of them.

Today was no different. I woke up to get the boys off to school, then I helped Lily and Makenzie with breakfast. After a morning of cleaning up after child-made messes, I headed off to pick up Gideon and then over to cheer on Steele during his fun-run. Now that was a proud mommy moment. Steele didn't know I was coming, so often I can't, but today I made the effort to go and the look on his face was priceless when he saw me, it almost made me cry cause he was so happy we had all come. Perhaps our presence helped push him, because he ran 3 miles today. After his fun run I had an hour to kill with the little ones so we grabbed a sandwhich before driving back to get Steele.

Once home, we rode bikes, washed dirty clothes, took naps, played a few games and then waited for Daddy (their favorite time of day). Sweet Wes made dinner today, I was so tired, and making dinner is better than bringing home flowers. After dinner we loaded up and went to the Phoenix Children's Museum. This was the best part of my day. I know I am not a perfect mom, but I feel pretty special when each of my kids ask me to play with them. When Steele looked up at me tonight and said,
"Mom can you play with me?" or when Makenzie grabbed my finger to have me follow her, or when Gideon and Lily wanted me to join their fun, that's when I know I have done something right because they still want me around. :)

Tonight as I tucked each of them in their beds I silently prayed that I can be the kind of mom they will always want to be around, the friend they can confide in, the person who will keep them safe. They are my joy, I think about them, speak about them, worry about them, write about them, love them. How grateful I am for each one of them.

Thursday Highlights

I thought I would share a few highlights from my day today.

• When I dropped the kids off at Wes's moms, I was informed that I needed to get Makenzie's baby. Why? Because Makenzie spent the afternoon yesterday trying to find it by continually dumping out the diaper bag. Her strong personality continues to surprise me!
• I was told by an nurse practitioner that she was impressed about the decisions I had made regarding a pt and that she was pleasantly surprised about how well the pt was doing.
• My director of nursing complimented me by saying I was an exceptional case manager.
• Went to Steele's "Cottage Fair" at Eduprize all about dinasours, he was so proud of his board and told me he thought his was the "best". He has so much confidence, it makes me smile.
• Gideon had a fun run and ran 35 (short) laps. He id an amazing little athlete.
• Lily wore her monkey beanie to bed tonight. She always makes me laugh with her sense of style and her sassy attitude.
• Makenzie somehow snuck outside while I was taking the trash barrell out. I never saw her and closed the door after coming inside. Two kind ladies rang to doorbell soon after to tell us she was outside. My heart sank at the thought that it could have been so much worse and I have been saying silent prayers of gratitude all night long.
• Following Makenzie's scare, I snuggled with her and Lily and pondered my blessings and wondered about all the times to Lord has blessed and answered my prayers. I know that He watches over me and my family continually.
• I ran on the treadmill to relieve some of the days stress.

Today was particularly hard for some reason. Stressful and hard moments were common in my day. However, as I sat down to think about what happened today, I realized that although there were many moments I could complain about, there were just as many that were positive. How grateful I am for all my blessing great or small, and how grateful I am for trials that help me to see my blessings. May tomorrow be another day full of both (but preferrably more blessings). :)

Remember the Men

Last month I posted about the lesson I gave in Relief Society called Like a Broken Vessel. That Sunday lesson was one of my favorites. I was amazed at the comments the women offered and the Spirit in the room was unmistakable. In the end I think we all left feeling more united as women and with a vow in our hearts to not judge one another.

Tonight, however, I think I might have missed a vital part. We talked at length that Sunday about not judging each other, about serving our fellow sisters and showing love and compassion towards them, but we didn't talk about the brethren. My mind was opened tonight as I listened to President Uchtdorf's talk, You Can Do It Now!  In his talk at the Priesthood session of General Conference, he says, "We may think that women are more likely than men to have feelings of inadequacy and disappointment—that these feelings affect them more than us. I’m not sure that this is true. Men experience feelings of guilt, depression, and failure. We might pretend these feelings don’t bother us, but they do. We can feel so burdened by our failures and shortcomings that we begin to think we will never be able to succeed."

As he said this, I realized I need to remember that although I struggle at times with my emotions, the men around me, including my husband, may struggle with some of the same things. I'm so blessed to have a husband who loves and uplifts me, one who helps me in times of "inadequacies" or "depression". What do I do for him? I know I should do the same. Yet, I think frequently we as women forget that the men in our lives need the same support they give us.

So, once again I plan on improving who I am and in this case how I treat my husband. I know I am not perfect, and although the road to perfection is long, the journey is often half the fun. After all, we may not be perfect and we may fall at times, but as President Uchtdorf said, "our destiny is not determined by the number of times we stumble, but by the number of times we rise up, dust ourselves off, and move forward."

May we stay focused, strive for perfection, rise up when we fall, and may we remember the men in our lives, for we need eachother on this wonderful journey! 

The Example of Bees

Tonight we had an excellent Relief Society meeting with the sisters in my ward. March is the month we celebrate the "birthday" of Relief Society and for tonights "birthday party" they focused it around the talk given by Elder M. Russell Ballard called Be Anxiously Engaged, in which he relates bees to members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

Elder Holland first gives some interesting facts about bees and honey-

1) Honey is one of nature’s most beneficial foods. In fact, nutritionists tell us it is one of the foods that includes all the substances—enzymes, vitamins, minerals, and water—necessary to sustain life.

2) A colony consists of approximately 60,000 bees.

3) Honeybees are driven to pollinate, gather nectar, and condense the nectar into honey. It is their magnificent obsession imprinted into their genetic makeup by our Creator. It is estimated that to produce just one pound (0.45 kg) of honey, the average hive of 20,000 to 60,000 bees must collectively visit millions of flowers and travel the equivalent of two times around the world.

4) Over its short lifetime of just a few weeks to four months, a single honeybee’s contribution of honey to its hive is a mere one-twelfth of one teaspoon. Though seemingly insignificant when compared to the total, each bee’s one-twelfth of a teaspoon of honey is vital to the life of the hive.

Elder Holland than relates how we can be like these driven and dedicated little bees. The following are quotes from his talk and they correlate with the numbers above.

1) Just as "honey contains all of the substances necessary to sustain mortal life...the doctrine and gospel of Christ is the only way (for man) to obtain eternal life."

2) Today we have over 15,000,000 members worldwide.

3) Just as bees are driven to pollinate and contribute to their ultimate cause of making honey, so should we be driven to our "ultimate" cause of bringing souls unto Christ.  "Great things are brought about and burdens are lightened through the efforts of many hands “anxiously engaged in a good cause” (D&C 58:27). Imagine what the millions of Latter-day Saints could accomplish in the world if we functioned like a beehive in our focused, concentrated commitment to the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ. Imagine what good we can do in the world if we all join together, united as followers of Christ, anxiously and busily responding to the needs of others and serving those around us—our families, our friends, our neighbors, our fellow citizens."

4) "We read of the service Church members provide around the world and especially the humanitarian service given in times of crisis—fires and floods and hurricanes and tornadoes. These much-needed and much-appreciated emergency responses should certainly continue as a way of bearing one another’s burdens. But what about our everyday lives? What would be the cumulative effect of millions of small, compassionate acts performed daily by us because of our heartfelt Christian love for others? ...These simple, daily acts of service may not seem like much in and of themselves, but when considered collectively they become just like the one-twelfth teaspoon of honey contributed by a single bee to the hive." He also says, "like the little honeybee’s one-twelfth teaspoon of honey provided to the hive, if we multiply our efforts by tens of thousands, even millions of prayerful efforts to share God’s love for His children through Christian service, there will be a compounding effect of good that will bring the Light of Christ to this ever-darkening world."

Elder Holland promises us that if we pray every morning and "ask Heavenly Father to guide you to recognize an opportunity to serve one of His precious children...your spiritual sensitivities will be enlarged and you will discover opportunities to serve that you never before realized were possible."

Just as the honeybees focus on the flowers, we need to focus on the people around us and how we can serve them. I'm looking forward to serving more, knowing that as I do this I will feel closer to the Lord.

To read more from this wonderful talk click on the following link. Enjoy!  Be Anxiously Engaged

Relationships

Tonight we had dinner and FHE with some good friends of from our ward. I always love getting together with people, but tonight was especially nice. Sometimes conversation seems strained and the lulls in exchanges awkward, but it never seems to be that way with them. We enjoyed talking about politics, religion, family, vacations, school, work, you name it and we talked about it. Time went very quickly and I kind of hated to get back to reality.

It's also nice that our children get along so well, they have 2 adorable children, one of which is quite taken with Lily and tried to kiss her. Lily just giggled and egged him on like any girl would do (I suppose she takes after her mom), which led to a little conversation about not kissing boys, who knew I'd have to start so young. Either way, it was sweet watching the kids play together and laugh.

I'm so thankful that we are given relationships all throughout our lives. I believe relationships of all kinds (even those that are difficult) are for our benefit. We grow, we learn, we begin to understand people, we find peace, we find laughter and we find joy when we spend our time with others. How grateful I am for a Heavenly Father who has given me so much, including the opportunity to develop wonderful relationships with all kinds of people.

Stop It

This is an excellent video and although it portrays teenagers, I believe it applies to all of us. May we end the judgements and see eachother as brothers and sisters, all one family, all CHILDREN OF GOD.

http://www.mormonchannel.org/video/mormon-messages?v=3267475157001&cid=HPWE030514340&im=true

4 Baby Stories- PART 1

This post is the work of many nights. I have been wanting to journal the birth stories of each of my children for years, yet I have always put it off because I knew the time to write it all out would be tremendous. However, a few days ago I realized that I don't have to write it all at once, if I write a little every night eventually I will have each of their stories completed. So here it is, the first part of my birth series.

Matthew Steele Filhart born May 12, 2006 at 01:36pm.

Let's start at week 38. On this week I woke up early and went to my weekly appointment. While discussing the fact that I was not dilated whatsoever, my doctor asked me if I was interested in being induced. He explained that he would be out of town for his son's wedding the week I was due and this would make it so that he would be there for my baby's birth. Of course as a first time expectant mom, and one who had not taken a birthing class, nor did I have much experience in the labor and delivery arena, I gave a very enthusiastic, "YES!" So my induction was scheduled for the following Thursday.

Thursday morning. I woke up excited, by the end of the day I would be a mom, or so I thought. I was scheduled for 1100 and was to call 1 hour ahead to make sure there was a room available. Since I had time I went and got my hair done, painted my toenails, packed a bag and waited for 1000 to roll around. At 1000 I called and got the bad news, no bed available, call back at 1500. Called at 1500, no bed available, they would call me if something became available, but I should probably count on a Friday induction. So Wes and I went out, ate Chinese, and enjoyed our last night as a family of 2. Then at about 1900 I recieved a call from Banner Mesa that there was a bed available and to come on down.

We arrived at the hospital in record time, paperwork was filled out, I was wheeled back to a room, IV was placed, they checked my cervix (0.5cm dilated and less than 50% effaced), pitocin was hung and the fun started....or so I thought. At the time all I knew about pitocin was that it induced labor. Now after 4 children and nursing school I know so much more. 1) It makes my contractions 10x worse than normal contractions. 2) In a case like mine when I was only 0.5cm dilated, being induced with pitocin will make it difficult to deliver without an epidural and it will wear you out by the time you actually start pushing. 3) Although necessary at times (I HAD to have it with 2 of my babies), it is also dangerous. I realize now that with Steele it would have been better to wait a few extra weeks than to add an unnecessary danger to my baby. I know many people who have been induced in situations like mine and they prefer it, however, it was not ideal for me.

At first time passed somewhat quickly, Wes and I played card games and watched TV, but then around 0100 Wes fell asleep. I tried to sleep, but it was fitful because the pitocin was already causing uncomforable contrations. Just after 0300 I woke up and was laying in a pool of fluid. My first thought, I peed the bed, I was so embarressed, but I pressed the call light anyway. When the RN arrived I explained my dilemma and she informed me it wasn't urine, it was amniotic fluid. My water had broken. "Yay!" I thought, I'm progressing quickly. Not really. Turns out, I was only 3cm dilated. This is when the real pain started. For the next 3 hours I tried to "breath" through contractions, but they were long and very close together. I basically stayed in fetal position while sitting up the whole time. By 0600 I knew I had to be getting closer, the contractions were so strong and they had increased the pitocin a lot! The outgoing RN checked me one more time, 4cm. Serious? She asked me, do you want an epidural? And at this point I was in too much pain and too exhausted to say no. Not long after that, they were wheeling in the anithesiologist cart and prepping me for a needle to go in my spine.

The epidural. I'm not scared of needles, and honestly I wasn't worried about getting an epidural, but I will say this, you HAVE to have a good doctor and this doctor was not in that catagory. The first time the anesthesiologist instered the catheter he said, "if it feels like it's going off to the left or right let me know." Sure enought it did and I told him so. He pulled it back and tried again, same thing. This time he told me I was probably just "feeling it". Nope. Cause a few hours later I was still able to move my lower body, however, it did take the edge off the contractions which was nice.

 

After the epidural I was able to sleep off and on until around 11 am when I started to feel some pressure. I let the nurse know and she informed me I was getting close but not ready to push. Mom, my Sister Sarah, Sarah Engberg (a close friend) and of course Wes kept me company, at least they did when they weren't down stairs playing games. :) By 12:30pm the nurse checked me again and said it I was at 10cm. She notified Dr. Huish, gave me some tips and prepped me to start pushing. I was excited, little did I know the worse was yet to come. Pushing is hard, even harder when you can't feel everything and are not in control and even harder still when your epidural doesn't work correctly and you feel pain in certain areas of your body and not others. The first few pushes went smoothly with absolutely no progress. After about 30 minutes I was starting to lose my gumption and frustration began to set in. I remember looking at Dr. Huish, who sat so comfortably in a chair talking to my mom, and saying to him, "so when you finally stand up and start helping I'll know I'm getting closer, right?" Not long after that I started to feel light headed. The staff decided to apply some oxygen via face mask which made me claustrophobic and did little to help my irritation. I was really struggling to focus. To make matters worse, the hospital had just switched to computer monitoring and there was a delay in showing oncoming contractions. If I hadn't had an epidural this wouldn't have been a big deal, but because I couldn't feel everything I couldn't quite tell when I should start pushing. After 45 minutes of this my patience was worn and my drive was gone.

About 15 minutes before Steele entered the world, I remember thinking, "If this baby doesn't come out soon, I don't think I'll have the strength to push him out and they will have to do a c-section." I don't know if Dr. Huish is telepathic or if he simply saw my anguish, because immediately following this thought he asked, "would you like some help?" Maybe it was God's way of prepping me for something I didn't want to do, but was necessary. Either way, I said yes and Dr. Huish assisted me in bringing Steele into the world via vacuum. For days afterwards I remember feeling bad, thinking I was weak and wishing I could go back and change his birth. Now, after 4 deliveries, I know I'm not weak and I truly feel that his delivery prepared me for every other delivery after him.

The first moments- Steele was a handsome, some-what alien looking baby, and I loved him at first sight. Wes was a proud Daddy and I felt closer to him at that moment than almost any other I can remember. He weighed 7lbs 10 ounces and was 20.5 inches long with a big head measuring over 14 inches. You know, there are a million feelings that rush through a mom following a birth, I mostly remember feeling grateful to hold my baby in my arms. To this day I love to gather Steele in my arms and just hold him, it's when I feel the closest to him spiritually. How grateful I am that this strong, confident young boy came to our family and introduced me to the role of "Mom".